OvP: Jurassic World

THE OPTIMIST v. THE PESSIMIST

DAWN OF DINOS

Brandon Everett, The Optimist

Jens Nielsen, The Pessimist

*For anyone who hasn't seen Jurassic World, MILD SPOILERS AHEAD

Jurassic World – Why it is a bad, bad, hateful movie

Also

Drive-In movies are the worst

Ugh…

     I don’t like being disrespected. Some people were disrespectful to me this last week. These people are named Rick Jaffa (screenplay and story), Amanda Silver (screenplay and story), Colin Trevorrow (screenplay) and Derek Connolly (screenplay). These are the hateful individuals who “wrote” Jurassic World. They are hateful people because they feel that it is ok to treat their audience like garbage. Jurassic World has a premise, but no story. There are people with names, but only two characters in this movie. Oh, umm, no, there are three characters, but they didn’t create the last one. Do you want to know who these characters are? You probably think you already know who they are, but you are wrong. Don’t worry, so are the writers. It is not your fault.

     These are the three characters:

Chris Pratt, Jurassic World 

• Chris Pratt, the actor, not the named person he portrays in the film.
• The smart (though ironically and near-fatally stupid) young boy whose name I can’t even remember. This kid knows dinos, and stuff. This kid knows girls better than his older, neglectful, wanna-be-ladies-man brother. Unfortunately, he is also dumb enough to tag along with his older brother who continuously gives horrible advice. Dumb brother aside, the little fella has some genuine spunk and shows believable fear a couple of times. He is also darn cute.
• Big Daddy T-Rex!! That is right, SPOILER! The T-Rex makes a return to the screen and it is THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE! “Why is Rex the best?” you might ask. I’ll tell you. Because those hateful people I mentioned earlier, those writers have nothing to do with it. The character was established in a whole different film. Seriously though, when I saw the T-Rex get on the screen, I kinda got excited. There was permeable excitement in the air. That thing has swagger. There is a real presence and atmosphere that accompanies this magnificent creature, but nothing else in the film can match it. Nothing even gets close. Even with the T-Rex’s obvious hero role in the plot, it was the only thing that was a little bit frightening. (Aside from the writers, of course)

     Alright, what else is disrespectful… Oh yeah, the lead female’s personality is absolute stereotypical, sexist, anti-feminist, damsel in distress, #saveme, #INeedAManButIAmInDenial!, #IRunAnEnormousTouristAttractionFullOfDinosButICantDoAnythingWithoutAMan!, #HighHeelsInTheJungle, stupid.

Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt, Jurassic World

     The film sets her up as if she is this great empowered woman who is struggling to balance work and family. Then she gets dumped down the trash to become the antithesis of real women in her position. At the end of the film dinos have ravaged and slaughtered untold numbers of tourists, young and old. I imagine over a thousand people are dead. All these people died because this lady is absolutely bad at her job. She oversees development of an artificially spliced together genetic super-dino predator. This super monster destroys the park and tons upon literal tons of humans die. To the credit of absolutely not her, the T-Rex (Yeah baby!) and a dino sea monster tag team wrestlemania style with some raptors and take down the super dino. (Okay, maybe damsel in distress/my family hates me by now-woman actually let the T-Rex out of its cage and directed it to the super dino) Anyway, after all this she simply asks Chris Pratt, “What do we do now?” At this point in the film I said out-loud, and much louder than I meant too, “NOTHING! YOU ARE GOING TO PRISON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!”

UGHHH……!

     What else is wrong with this thing…. Oh, Jimmy Fallon, a saint among televisionhood, was made out to be a liar!!!! Watch his infomercial again and just see what follows. Come on writers, don’t be jerks to Jimmy!

     Foreshadowing was also obvious that I was physically pained by how little effort was put into story escalation. Foreshadowing was so obvious that it felt like an actual dinosaur was allowed to participate in the writing. Seriously, it is bad and the audience feel like the writers think we are stupid. That is rude.

     Okay, all this garbage aside, I think the special effects might have been good. I also suspect that the sound design was quite good. I assume this because the budget was huge. I also assume this because I don’t actually know. The reason I don’t know is because I saw Jurassic World at the drive-in. I officially hate the drive-in. Other people are jerks and leave their cars running. I don’t want to breathe in your fumes! Come on soccer mom! You don’t need to charge you phone while watching a movie! Turn off your A/C, OLD COUPLE WITH GRANDKIDS! TURN OFF YOUR SUBWOOFER AND STOP BLASTING KATY PERRY SONGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM! TRAIN TRACK, STOP HAVING THREE MINUTE LONG FREIGHT CARS RUN 250ft AWAY FROM ME! JUMBO JETS, STOP FLYING OVER MY HEAD! (Really, all of those things happened during this one movie. Probably like six planes, and for sure three trains)

     Is all this getting way too long? Okay then, here is the short version with extra truth in it.

If acting, story writing and directing is poor and compensations are made with special effects then it is a no go for me. I watched Jurassic World and I find it a fun film to watch once. Chris Pratt did a good job filling his role. I think I can fairly say that his acting was good. Vincent D'Onofrio was fantastic (his on screen character was stereotype bad-guy-with-good-intentions garbage), but only because I know the breadth of his skill (check him out in Dare Devil). The young boy also did a good job. I can't say anyone else did that great a job. The writing was poor and the character development was nonexistent. Cool dinos, though.

P.S. I didn’t even bother checking any of my spelling or grammar. Jurassic World isn’t worth it. 

                                                                                                                        

- The Pessimist

The Delectable Taste of a Worthy Sequel

Oh Pessimist…

                

     Jurassic World deserves the love; love that comes from the hearts of longing fans and small, innocent children yearning to see the extinct titans of old. It attained my love, because in a nutshell, Jurassic World was dope.

                

     Before I delve into the cinematic epicness that is Jurassic World, let me start by saying…I love grilled cheese sandwiches. Why, might you ask? Because they are equally delicious as they are simple. A grilled cheese sandwich isn’t found in the finest of restaurants where two of my limbs and my first born child would be adequate compensation. Quite frankly, they’re perfect because they don’t take themselves seriously. They know there are better sandwiches out there, but they don’t care. They’re the honey badger of the sandwich world, and they are amazing.

                

Scene from Jurassic Park, 1993

     Jurassic World is a grilled cheese sandwich. And a delicious one at that. (I’m salivating just at the thought. Ooooh! You know what would be good?! Eating a grilled cheese WHILE watching Jurassic World! But, I digress). The original Jurassic Park was and is a masterpiece. It put dinosaurs back on the map, (not that they weren’t cool to begin with). The story was captivating, the characters were memorable, the dinosaurs were frightening, the theme song unforgettable, and after watching it the first time you couldn’t help but think about a charging T-Rex every time a cup of water got bumped and made those iconic circular ripples dance on the surface. Our society has been yearning for the day when a sequel would emerge worthy of its original predecessor; that would once again harness the magic that came from the original. Unfortunately all have failed, yet Jurassic World came the closest.

                

     Finally, after 20+ years, John Hammond’s vision has been realized! We finally get to see the park open! Any other storyline that involved humans trying to survive being eaten by genetically enhanced dinos that DIDN’T take place in a realized, functioning Jurassic Theme Park would have been the biggest slap-to-the-face for movie-goers, franchise fans and the inner child within them. The fact that the park is open, and freakin’ cool mind you, is a big plus.

                

     Chris Pratt’s character (named Owen by the way) was hard not to like, I agree. I mean, it’s hard not to like Chris Pratt in anything these days, and his character (a Dr. Allen rip-off but cool nonetheless) is still worthy of remembrance. He doesn’t back down from a challenge, he defies the park hierarchy, he punched Vincent D'Onofrio in the face (suck it Kingpin!), he freaking wrangles raptors, all while not dying and getting the girl. So what if it’s generic? I WANT TO BE HIM! Owen is just one bad mama-jama! THE GUY RIDES A MOTORCYCLE INTO THE JUNGLE WITH A RAPTOR POSSE! IF THIS MOVIE IS INDEED A SANDWICH, THAT SCENE WAS DRENCHED WITH GOOEY, DELICIOUS, AWESOME MOVIE MAGIC CHEESE, DRIPPING DOWN THE CRUST OF SAID DELECTABLE SANDWICH ONTO THE PLATE IT SITS ON, ONLY TO BE SCOOPED UP AND EATEN LATER! This movie was jammed packed with awesome action moments and at the end of the day, that's what we want to see. The fact that Jurassic World has the best story of the three sequels only helps its case. Is there character development? No, but with his charisma and machismo, Pratt's character makes up for all the lost unmentionables, rivaled only by the T-Rex in awesomeness. Vincent D'Onofrio's cookie-cutter bad guy was great only because it was Vincent D'Onofrio, I’ll give you that.

     Sheesh, let’s take a beat. I’m getting too excited here.

                

     In a nutshell, the movie was flawed, that much is given. But where it lacks with its plot holes and numerous deus ex machina, it plenty makes up for with its insane action, its cool references to the original, the killer special effects, and, well, Chris Pratt. Do we want a quality story with realistic characters fleshed out and worth-while character arcs? Who wouldn't? They struck gold with the first, making it near impossible to do the same again.That doesn't mean this film doesn't deliver. We want the mayhem, we want the gruesome deaths of minor characters we have no idea what their names are or what their purpose was other than to be snacks. WE WANT IT. It's good popcorn fun. What I can say though is that at least it doesn't spit on the memory of its predecessor (yeah I'm talking to you Joe Johnston and your ridiculous third installment). Its meant to be seen on the big screen and it delivers the entertainment in spades. The movie's $1 billion cash grab tells us that much.

                

Jurassic World, 2015

     Circling back around to my hunger-inducing analogy (as I write this I yearn for sustenance), Jurassic World works simply because it doesn’t take itself seriously. It takes ingredients from the perfect sandwich of the past, infuses its own twists of simplicity and decides that at its core, Jurassic World is its own film. It’s a grilled-frickin-cheese sandwich. Is the story simple? Yes, a dinosaur theme park has a mishap with their genetically hybrid dino (which I thought was pretty cool), and the dinosaurs delve into a tourist buffet. Is there sweet dino-action? Yes, there’s kidnapping-pterodactyls, a trained mob of raptors, a super mega crocodile, a hybrid dino formed from a ten year old’s nightmare, and above all (and this is where I agree with you whole-heatedly) the T-Rex makes his triumphant return in what is arguably the BEST animal/creature/non-human entity showdown on screen. Are there ridiculously stale, stereotypical characters? Yes, but I argue that the entertainment value of this film overshadows that. Jurassic World can’t compare to the original, for it lacks the inventiveness and its overpowering sway and mysticism; but it still works simply because of its breath-taking visuals and its relentless entertainment. That’s where the magic of this film can be found. After all, that’s why we go to the movies right?

     Let’s face it though, they could have given us practically anything and it would have been better than Jurassic Park 3.

- The Optimist

WHAT DO YOU THINK? DOES JURASSIC WORLD DELIVER THE AWESOMENESS? OR DOES IT SUCK? WEIGH IN, LEAVE A COMMENT, ADD TO THE DISCUSSION! 

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[images via variety.com, www.driveinmedia.com, www.usatoday.com, sf.funcheap.com, io9.com, 

www.kindredcompanions.com, www.telegraph.co.uk]